Here's how I see the schedule playing out.
September 9, 1:00 PM Eagles - The Browns coaching staff should be extremely familiar with the Eagles. With all the extra time to prepare even Andy Reid's moronic decisions shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Vick will be intimidated by the Dawg Pound.
PREDICTION: Easy W for the good guys.
September 16, 1:00 PM At Bengals - The Bengals are due to come back to earth after vastly overachieving last year and lucking out twice against the Browns.
PREDICTION: W
September 23, 1:00 PM Bills - Bills have a nerd QB. And like we learned with Linsanity, these Harvard dorks can only go so far. Fitzpatrick used all of his good mojo at the beginning of last year.
PREDICTION: Buffalo may have Wild Wings and Weck, but not a Win here. W for the Brownies
September 27, 8:20 PM (Thursday) At Ravens - You know Ray Lewis and Ed Reed aren't going to drag their old ass out on to the field at 100% on 4 days rest. They'll be thinking about how they had to miss Wheel of Fortune to warm up for the game, while the youthful Browns put their season in Jeopardy.
PREDICTION: Put in for your vacation that Friday now, it's going to be a late night celebrating this one. W
Sunday October 7, 1:00 PM At Giants - Browns always defeat defending Super Bowl champions. That's just science.
PREDICTION: Get your screencapping equipment ready. Lots of Eli Face coming. W
Sunday October 14, 1:00 PM Bengals - Already beat them on the road, shouldn't be much trouble with some home cooking. Also of note, this is OU Homecoming, and nothing will make me happier than sticking this victory up the ass of all those Who Dey douchebags postgame on Court Street after a Bungle Beatdown.
PREDICTION: Getcha brooms ready! W
Sunday, October 21, 1:00 PM At Colts - Rookie QB? Be serious.
PREDICTION: DoubleYou
Sunday October 28, 1:00 PM Chargers - West Coast team coming East for an early kick-off? And Cleveland at the end of October instead of San Diego? They may decide to just skip the trip altogether.
PREDICTION: Phillip Rivers will act like a whiny little cunt, meanwhile the Browns will pick up the W. U MAD LASERFACE?
Sunday November 4, 1:00 PM Ravens - Anthony Davis will likely be making his NBA debut the week before this game. Joe Flacco will be so demoralized that there is clearly a much more successful unibrow in the sports world that he will choke away this game despite his assertions that he is one of, if not the best, QBs in the league.
PREDICTION: Browns pick up another sweep of a division foe. W
Sunday November 11, BYE WEEK - We won't need it, but I suppose it will be nice for everyone to take the week off and relax.
Sunday November 18, 1:00 PM At Dallas - After a chance run in dropping off their new children at whatever dumbfuck Texas rich kid baby program they decide to go to, Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson attempt to rekindle their past romance. Unfortunately, during a Reverse Cowgirl session gone horribly awry, Romo's pelvis is crushed by Simpson, who has only managed to lose 20 of the 165 lbs she put on during pregnancy. Kyle Orton brings his Amish beard to Jerry World but it is not enough to satisfy Dez Bryant, who pitches a shit fit on the sideline in the third quarter.
PREDICTION: Browns pick up the Big W in Big D
Sunday November 25, 1:00 PM Steelers - As we all know the Wednesday before Thanksgiving is when everyone goes to their hometown bar, gets drunk as shit to avoid awkward conversations, and tries to hook up with people they knew in high school. Ben Roethlisberger, who is able to make a trip to his hometown of Findlay (home of Domino's bread bites or whatever the fuck that annoying commercial says) where around midnight he attempts to chase the 2004 Findlay High Prom Queen into the bathroom at the local watering hole. Ben slips on the tile floor, tearing his meniscus and jamming his wrist trying to catch his fall.
PREDICTION: Chaz Batch isn't going to be enough for yinz to get that win! W.
Sunday December 2nd, 4:15 PM At Raiders - Carson Palmer? HAHA, Ok, sure.
PREDICTION: Black Hole? More like Black LOL. W
Sunday December 9th, 1:00 PM Chiefs - A homecoming of sorts. Romeo, Peyton Hillis and Brady Quinn all return to their old stomping grounds. Unfortunately for Kansas City, those stomping grounds are Quaker Steak, The Cold and Flu section of CVS, and the bench, respectively. Jamaal Charles isn't enough for KC to get this one.
PREDICTION: Browns pick up yet another quality W.
Sunday December 16th, 1:00 PM Redskins - RG3 will be crushed under the pressure of the Washington media by now. With no help in sight because of their lack of draft picks, Shanahan resigns mid-November to take the Arkansas job. Dan Snyder appoints himself head coach, and attempts to pay Mike Holmgren $3 million to throw the game. Holmgren already has a job where he makes millions of dollars a year without having to do anything, so he declines and the Browns roll.
PREDICTION: Easy W for the Browns as the Redskins are having a full blown mutiny against Snyder.
Sunday December 23rd, 4:05 PM At Broncos - After lying in wait all season, Jesus waits until right before his birthday to smite John Elway, John Fox, Peyton Manning and everyone else responsible for the removal of his #1 fan Tim Tebow from Denver. Once the lightning, fire and brimstone subside, it should be an easy game for the Browns against a severely depleted Broncos team.
PREDICTION: Browns pick up a W of biblical proportions.
Sunday December 30th, 1:00 PM At Steelers - By this point in the season, James Harrison has been suspended twice, only to return in order to finally incapacitate himself due to repeated brain trauma. Meanwhile, Big Ben stays up late mixing up some of his "special drinks" to pass out to the female guests during his New Year's party. A focused Browns team rolls in and puts the hurt on a Steelers team that has been out of the playoff race and mentally checked out for 4 weeks.
PREDICTION: W to complete the divisional sweep and finish the perfect season.
SEASON RECORD: 16-0; First Place,
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