Breaking Down The 2012 Browns Schedule

The NFL released the 2012 season schedule tonight in a totally absurd 3 hour special that isn't even half over as I write this and everybody has already looked at their team's entire schedule and moved onto watching baseball, NBA, or playoff hockey.
Here's how I see the schedule playing out.

Jersey Shore Power Rankings Season 5 Week 9

A combination of vacation, laziness, and a broken laptop have prevented me from doing these the last few weeks. My computer is still broken, and I'm still lazy, but I ran out of money so no more vacation for a while. Should be a back on a regular schedule again. Speaking of regular schedules, you know what's off it's regular schedule now? Snooki's menstrual cycle. (GROSS)

1. Snooki (2) - As it turns out, Snooki is all kinds of knocked up. This girl, who has been seen inslopsicated, getting arrested and hooking up with every douchebag on the Eastern Seaboard over the last 3 years is pregnant. We're talking about a girl who was taking SoCo in a gatorade bottle to work with her, and has frequently been known to leave work to go to the bar. And now she is growing another human inside her. I can't imagine how poor Jionni must feel, sitting next to his now pregnant fiance and watching her whore around all over the place on national tv.

Jersey Shore Power Rankings Season 5 Week 6

A lot less public urination this week, so that was nice.

1. Deena (4) - If it wasn't for helping the guys get laid, Deena would have pretty much no reason to ever be on camera. And it's not that she's not trying to whore around, she just can't find anyone willing to go for it. Here's something that's been bothering me for a while. Meatballs. This is not a flattering term for a girl. Or a guy, but that's neither here nor there. I would think that 99% of girls would take serious offense to being called a meatball, but these 2 idiots take pride in it. Like, are they empower the word maybe? I think in that case, you're supposed to put an 'a' on the end. Meatballa. Regardless, they are meatballs and Deena is absolutely disgusting, and getting progressively worse.
In addition to calling Danny the boss "an annoying", she says "a leopard never sheds its stripes" in reference to Mike.
And what the fuck is going on with her arm!

Jersey Shore Power Rankings Season 5 Week 5

Kind of a weird episode. Mike going off the deep end was the dominant storyline, and it seems like he is on the verge of a full-blown psychological breakdown. So we have that to look forward to. And Snooki pissing herself. That's pretty much it.

1. Situation (6) - Mike is the biggest headcase on the planet. He tries to mask his insecurity with overconfidence, but I think all this time in the spotlight has worn him down. He's finally lost it. Fortunately he has his army of "friends" at Jenkinson's that nobody has ever seen or mentioned or heard of before so he can have a good support group. There is a 110% chance that Mike stayed at Jenks instead of going to the batting cages because he doesn't know how to swing a baseball bat. What he can swing however, is his dick hanging out of his pants while he walks around the house acting weird, apparently. And then at the end of the show he gets all mad saying Snooki betrayed him, which doesn't make sense. Big things coming, I think.

Jersey Shore Power Rankings Season 5 Week 4

I've long admired the guys' ability to just call a cab to get the girls out of there after the smushing is over. But I just this week noticed that they call them a cab and then send their ass outside to wait for the cab. "Welp, I arranged it, not get to the street." Even Paula, who Mike is almost dating, is relegated to wait for the cab on the curb. This is douchebaggery of the highest order. Color me impressed. And welcome back to Vinny, hopefully that was enough time to get your head right.

1. Danny (-) Danny kind of reminds me of 2010 Mike Brown. He's making it look like he's trying to be in charge, but nobody is listening. Everyone in the house openly disregards anything he says, but he's still out there trying to get them to work. It's admirable. And don't forget how much money this guy is making off this whole thing. Probably the most viable long-term earning potential out of anybody on the show.

Challenge: Exes Fantasy League

Because we are a bunch of dorks, a few of my friends and I conducted a fantasy draft over Twitter the other day and are going to be keeping score for the entire season of Challenge: Exes. If for some reason you are reading this and not familiar with the Real World/Road Rules Challenge series. It is an Mtv program in which a bunch of meatheads and skanks live in a house together and compete in various ridiculous physically and (relatively) mentally grueling tasks during their off days of their regular schedule of drinking, fighting, and banging each other. For scoring we will be using the Grantland Rules (obviously that is geared for multiple shows, but you get the idea) and straight points. Here are the results of the snake draft as well as each team captain's reasoning behind making the picks they did.

The Wager

Jersey Shore Power Rankings Season 5 Week 3

First episode of the post-Vinny era. And possibly the last episode of the Situation era if you want to believe the hype. I don't think either of those will last. Sitch isn't going, and I think Vinny will be back in 2 more episodes, max.

1. Pauly D (2) - In this episode, Pauly D has a sad. And how do you deal with sadness on the Jersey Shore? Fuck a stranger, of course! And the more that the stranger looks like someone your friend would have liked, the more you should try to hook up with them. The one night Pauly and Mike both pull girls out of the bar, he says Mike has a grenade, but upon quick glance i think Mike's girl is better and his is a grenade. The tattoo chick was no prize, either. The whole D family comes out for his b-day. Mama Dukes, both Aunt Paulas, Uncle George, and of course Big Jerry. Perhaps the best part of the whole birthday conundrum is that his barber from Rhode Island comes and we finally got to see what Pauly looks like with his hair unspiked. It's really something.

NFL Conference Championship Week Picks

2 games this week, which means we're getting close to the end. As much fun as the playoffs are it's a little depressing to know that we are 17 days away from no football until September.

Baltimore at New England; 3:00 PM, CBS
Weather: 34, mostly cloudy, 20% percipitation
Line: Patriots -7
Money Line: Patriots -300, Ravens +250
O/U: 50.5

Jersey Shore Power Rankings Season 5 Week 2

If this really is the end of Vincenzo, it was a good run. The only one who seemed possibly likable in real life. Good luck in your future endeavors.

1. Vinny (2) - I am sad to see Vinny go, but I can't say I blame him. I also feel a little bad about making fun of him if he was having a legit, diagnosed mental problem. I thought he was just being a pussy. But think about it, he's famous. He's not going to get anymore famous this season. What is his incentive to hang around there with those morons he never really fit in with in the first place? I know he's getting paid, but he can still do the party scene and he might be the only one smart enough to write a real book about the whole JS experience. And, I can imagine that Karma is the absolute worst place to be if you are having a panic attack, and self medicating with Ron Ron Juice is probably a pretty bad idea as well. I'd say 2:3 that he will be back.

Divisional Round Playoff Picks

Got a few right last week, but swung and missed on a few as well. Hopefully do better this time around now that I've had a look at half of these teams.

SATURDAY GAMES

New Orleans at San Francisco; 4:30 PM, FOX

Weather: 65, Sunny

Line: Saints -4

Money Line: Saints -190, Niners +165

O/U: 47

Preview: Saints will be coming off a home victory over the Lions that was a lot closer than it seemed. Brees is Brees, and he will spread the ball around to all of the weapons they have on that offense. Also, Pierre Thomas does not get nearly as much respect from fans as he should, I blame fantasy football. The 49ers shocked everybody all season with great defense and special teams and an offense that doesn't make many mistakes despite having Alex Smith at quarterback. A lot of the credit for the mistake free football from the offense can also be attributed to Braylon Edwards being injured the majority of the season.

Jersey Shore Power Rankings: Season 5(!) Week 1

Back by popular demand! Jersey Shore Power Rankings, now in blog form! It's all very exciting! We pick up with the Jersey Shore crew directly off their flight home from Italy. They don't even get any time off, which is sweet because nobody knows what happens in the Italy episodes before they start filming the new Seaside stuff. Thankfully Danny of the Shore Store (who, by the way, is the smartest person in this whole operation and has to be making out like a bandit) is able to throw them a super secret surprise party so they can see all their friends and family as soon as they get back into town.

1. The Unit - We heard about The Unit last year, and I figured he would be a pretty cool dude. Between the nickname and the fact that he was friends with Situation, expectations were high to say the least. And he absolutely blew them out of the water. He is some kind of a cross between Mike and Pauly D only douchier and more stereotypical. Very rarely does someone live up to all their potential like he did. If they said that the rest of the season was just going to be him and Ryder, I would not only be okay with it, I would embrace it.

2. Vinny - Apparently the (month? 2 months? does it matter?) of SCREWING OFF AND HOOKING UP WITH GIRLS IN FUCKING ITALY was so traumatizing to Vinny that he couldn't handle another month or two of chilling on the shore without going to back to be with his family. I guess I can understand this. He is the youngest of the guys on the show, he seems to be the most level-headed, despite his bro-mance with Pauly he never really fit in with the rest of the guys in GTL department. So who am I to judge? I could see how you wouldn't want to be away from everything you've ever known, I'm sure being that far away from...where is he from? Staten Island? Yeah, I'm sure that's at least....I don't really know the geography of the Tri-State area that well.....going to Google Maps. Staten Island to Seaside Heights. 60 FUCKING MILES!!! THAT'S IT?!?! STOP BEING SUCH A LITTLE FUCKING PUSSY VINCENZO.

3. Snooki - Apparently they don't have pickles nor pickle juice in Italy, because Snooki took down a whole jars worth of juice as soon as she walked into the door. She then proceeds to spend the rest of the episode trying to keep Jionni from talking to everyone and finding out she was banging everybody else. Her strategy to accomplish varies between crying anytime someone comes around (this doesn't seem like a very sound strategy, as it might give away something being wrong) to banging him (this probably works better to distract him, although she seems to be only delaying the inevitable). It also comes to light that she definitely blew Mike in the much disputed incident with Unit and Ryder. I like how totally insincerely saying you're sorry and then telling them to fuck off and saying that you didn't actually mean the apology is enough in the Jersey Shore world. This dude Unit could wreck your whole planet, and you're being a total cunt to him.

4. Situation - Mikey gets a bunch of shit shaved into his head like he is Ron Artest, excuse me, Metta World Peace. He is a weird dude, and continues to get a bizarre enjoyment out of fucking up other people's lives. This is going beyond causing drama for the sake of drama into psychopath shit. The clothes changing scene with Unit was one of the strangest things I've ever seen. Very abnormal behavior.

5. Ryder - After all this time of the girls on this show acting like it takes some sort of elaborate courtship in order to get them to have sex, it is refreshing to see someone just throw it around and not give a fuck. If you're going to whore around, might as well go all in and just own it. Get it girl. She also looks like someone I know but I can't figure out who. If anybody can help me out with this let me know.

6. Sammi - Somehow, the living arrangement drama is still going on, and it looks like poor Sam is stuck with Sitcho to rain on her and Ronnie's domestic dispute parade AGAIN. Sammi very nearly lived up to her Sweetheart nickname in Italy, she was shockingly and extremely un-interestingly normal, at times even bordering on logical. I think that once she starts breathing that mineral rich Jersey air it will retrigger whatever chemicals are imbalanced in her brain and she will get back to being the psycho bitch that we have all come to hate.

7. JWoww - It's always nice to see JWoww's dad, which reminds us that even the nerdiest looking skinny dudes can spawn frightening Amazonian crazy stripper daughters.

8. Pauly D - DJ Pauly D has pretty much gone from being goofy and kinda funny to full on pandering for the cameras. Not that anyone is dumb enough to think this whole thing is 100% real, but it's kind of disappointing when its this obvious.

9. Deena - How do you get the guy you want? Just go sit by his bed while he is hooking up with a hotter girl. FOOLPROOF

10. Ronnie - Ronnie continues to be completely boring anytime he is not dancing or fighting. He does impart some wisdom when he is telling Vinny to sack up and deal with being homesick.

2012 NFL Playoff Picks Week 1

Lets get this party started with some picks for this weekend's playoff games. All theoretical gambling lines hypothetically came from a website that may or may not rhyme with jorts look snot bomb.

SATURDAY'S GAMES

Cincinnati at Houston; 4:30 NBC

Weather: Dome

Line: Houston -3.5

Money Line: Cincy +175 Texans -210

O/U: 38.5

Preview: I think it's safe to say that Houston wouldn't have a home playoff game if they had been serving up the TJ Yates/Jake Delhomme crap sandwich all season. They won the shittiest division in football by grinding it out with 2 very good running backs and a solid defense, despite losing Mario Williams to injury. Their secondary has been pretty solid, and I'm sure Jonathon Joseph is looking forward to facing his old team and going up against AJ Green.

On the Bengals side of the ball, they are also playing very good defense this season. They really exceeded expectations though they have primarily been beating up on bad teams. Apparently Andy Dalton has finished his shitting extravaganza.

Prediction: This is not going to be a good game. I like the Bengals on the road. The money line is tempting but if you aren't as confident as I am take the 3.5 points and you should be good. I'd stay away from the over/under here, just because it seems about right and you have no idea what you're getting out of either qb coming off of injury/sickness.

Bengals 21 Texans 17

Detroit at New Orleans; 8:00 NBC

Weather: Dome

Line: Saints -10.5

Money Line: Lions +435 Saints -575

O/U: 59

Preview: Somehow, the NFC got 2 sweet Wild Card games while the AFC got dick. Full disclosure, I love this Lions team. I have had Stafford and Megatron on various fantasy teams for the past few years, I love Suh out there stomping on people not giving a fuck, I even still like Eric Wright. That said, the Saints are just too good. New Orleans whipped them 31-17 in week 13. When I went to look up that score I was totally expecting something like 56-20, from what I remember it was never anything even resembling close. Brees is really good, and the Lions pass D is really shitty (See Flynn, Matthew).

Prediction: I've gotta go with the Saints to cover here. Brees is going to have a field day. I got them early at -11, so apparently the Lions have some believers. If you are feeling confident about Detroit's offense, take them +10.5 and the over to get a better payout. You know the Saints are going to throw up 35+ inside against that D, so if Stafford and Megatron keep up 60 will be in play. Keep clear of the money line here, it's hard to picture Detroit pulling the upset and there is no value in taking the Saints there.

Saints 38 Lions 20

SUNDAY'S GAMES

Atlanta at New York; 1:00 PM Fox

Weather: 45 and abundant sunshine, 0% precipitation, no mention of wind

Line: Giants -3

Money Line: Giants -130 Falcons +150

O/U: 47.5

Preview: 2 teams that are very hard to trust. One hand, you have Eli and a suspect running game with 2 head cases. On the other hand, a Falcons team that has been beating up on crappy teams and getting throttled by good competition, with Michael Turner who could probably just keel over at any moment. Both teams feature 2 great WRs so look for a lot of passing, especially since it is going to be unseasonably pleasant in the normally windswept moonscape of MetLife Stadium.

Prediction: I like the Giants to cover, but I wouldn't put much on it. I prefer the Giants' receivers. Cruz is a stud and I have faith that Nicks is too good to keep dropping balls. And for all their flaws I like Bradshaw and Jacobs way more than Michael Turner's old broke-down ass. I'd take the under in this game, as I could see the Giants front 4 destroying Matt Ryan and the Falcons getting nearly shut out, or Eli imploding and the Giants getting killed for that matter. Either way, if it's a blowout it's going to be because one team's not scoring, don't see anybody putting up a ton of points here.

Giants 24 Falcons 10

Pittsburgh at Denver; 4:30 CBS

Weather: 33, 50% chance of snow showers. Though Tebow could certainly change that if he wants.

Line: Steelers -8.5

Money Line: Steelers -380 Broncos +310

O/U: 33.5

Preview: Interesting matchup here. One hand we have a quarterback who has willingly never had sex, and on the other a quarterback who has never had sex with a willing partner. Pittsburgh is beat up. Ben's leg is by all accounts fucked up. Pouncey is hurt. Mendenhall is out. Ryan Clark can't play because he might die. And still, 8.5 point favorites on the road. I think it's safe to say the whole Tebow thing is over. He's exposed, I'm not sure his teammates can rally behind him anymore after the way the last few games went down.

Prediction: This is a hard game for me. I can't stand the Steelers and I don't think I could handle a word where Tim Tebow wins a playoff game. Gotta like the Steelers here though. Like I said the Tebow thing is over, feel free to bet against him without fear, unless it is a smiting you are worried about. But as for losing the bet, no worries there. 8.5 is a lot though, so if you have any doubts it is probably safest just to hammer on the Steelers money line, even though it doesn't pay great. Figure this to be a low scoring game, with the injuries to Pittsburgh, the weather, and the fact that the Broncos offense is fucking atrocious. Though with Clark out, Tebow might be able to find some recievers that could get behind the cove....hahah almost got the whole thing out. He sucks. Take the under. 14 points is enough to win it and then we might get the Chaz Batch show.

Steelers 17 Broncos 6

Good luck, enjoy the games, and remember that gambling on sports is illegal.

This Is The Intro

Since I am a white male in my 20's (I originally typed mid 20's but changed it, despair ensued) I am legally obligated to have a desire to own my own bar, and start a sports blog. After weighing the pros and cons of each for a while, and getting encouragement from some friends, I decided to start with the sports blog since it is free, though I'm pretty sure it won't get me laid as often as owning a bar.

I'll try to post as much on here as I can, it's going to be a lot of my thoughts on Cleveland sports, as well as broader scope national stuff, particularly NBA and NFL, with MLB and college stuff mixed in.

It's also going to be whatever random shit dumps out of my brain that I think is important enough for other people (in all likelihood nobody) to read about. Jersey Shore, gambling, movies, whatever. The layout is kind of shitty for now, as I get smarter/less lazy/more time to play with HTML that will improve. Hopefully. Anyways, this is it. If you like it, great. If you don't, fuck off. This seems like a good time to mention that, as a shock to nobody who has ever met me, there will be bad language. Deal with it. Cheer for the Browns for 27 years and see how you talk.