Jersey Shore Power Rankings Season 5 Week 4

I've long admired the guys' ability to just call a cab to get the girls out of there after the smushing is over. But I just this week noticed that they call them a cab and then send their ass outside to wait for the cab. "Welp, I arranged it, not get to the street." Even Paula, who Mike is almost dating, is relegated to wait for the cab on the curb. This is douchebaggery of the highest order. Color me impressed. And welcome back to Vinny, hopefully that was enough time to get your head right.

1. Danny (-) Danny kind of reminds me of 2010 Mike Brown. He's making it look like he's trying to be in charge, but nobody is listening. Everyone in the house openly disregards anything he says, but he's still out there trying to get them to work. It's admirable. And don't forget how much money this guy is making off this whole thing. Probably the most viable long-term earning potential out of anybody on the show.

Challenge: Exes Fantasy League

Because we are a bunch of dorks, a few of my friends and I conducted a fantasy draft over Twitter the other day and are going to be keeping score for the entire season of Challenge: Exes. If for some reason you are reading this and not familiar with the Real World/Road Rules Challenge series. It is an Mtv program in which a bunch of meatheads and skanks live in a house together and compete in various ridiculous physically and (relatively) mentally grueling tasks during their off days of their regular schedule of drinking, fighting, and banging each other. For scoring we will be using the Grantland Rules (obviously that is geared for multiple shows, but you get the idea) and straight points. Here are the results of the snake draft as well as each team captain's reasoning behind making the picks they did.

The Wager

Jersey Shore Power Rankings Season 5 Week 3

First episode of the post-Vinny era. And possibly the last episode of the Situation era if you want to believe the hype. I don't think either of those will last. Sitch isn't going, and I think Vinny will be back in 2 more episodes, max.

1. Pauly D (2) - In this episode, Pauly D has a sad. And how do you deal with sadness on the Jersey Shore? Fuck a stranger, of course! And the more that the stranger looks like someone your friend would have liked, the more you should try to hook up with them. The one night Pauly and Mike both pull girls out of the bar, he says Mike has a grenade, but upon quick glance i think Mike's girl is better and his is a grenade. The tattoo chick was no prize, either. The whole D family comes out for his b-day. Mama Dukes, both Aunt Paulas, Uncle George, and of course Big Jerry. Perhaps the best part of the whole birthday conundrum is that his barber from Rhode Island comes and we finally got to see what Pauly looks like with his hair unspiked. It's really something.

NFL Conference Championship Week Picks

2 games this week, which means we're getting close to the end. As much fun as the playoffs are it's a little depressing to know that we are 17 days away from no football until September.

Baltimore at New England; 3:00 PM, CBS
Weather: 34, mostly cloudy, 20% percipitation
Line: Patriots -7
Money Line: Patriots -300, Ravens +250
O/U: 50.5

Jersey Shore Power Rankings Season 5 Week 2

If this really is the end of Vincenzo, it was a good run. The only one who seemed possibly likable in real life. Good luck in your future endeavors.

1. Vinny (2) - I am sad to see Vinny go, but I can't say I blame him. I also feel a little bad about making fun of him if he was having a legit, diagnosed mental problem. I thought he was just being a pussy. But think about it, he's famous. He's not going to get anymore famous this season. What is his incentive to hang around there with those morons he never really fit in with in the first place? I know he's getting paid, but he can still do the party scene and he might be the only one smart enough to write a real book about the whole JS experience. And, I can imagine that Karma is the absolute worst place to be if you are having a panic attack, and self medicating with Ron Ron Juice is probably a pretty bad idea as well. I'd say 2:3 that he will be back.

Divisional Round Playoff Picks

Got a few right last week, but swung and missed on a few as well. Hopefully do better this time around now that I've had a look at half of these teams.

SATURDAY GAMES

New Orleans at San Francisco; 4:30 PM, FOX

Weather: 65, Sunny

Line: Saints -4

Money Line: Saints -190, Niners +165

O/U: 47

Preview: Saints will be coming off a home victory over the Lions that was a lot closer than it seemed. Brees is Brees, and he will spread the ball around to all of the weapons they have on that offense. Also, Pierre Thomas does not get nearly as much respect from fans as he should, I blame fantasy football. The 49ers shocked everybody all season with great defense and special teams and an offense that doesn't make many mistakes despite having Alex Smith at quarterback. A lot of the credit for the mistake free football from the offense can also be attributed to Braylon Edwards being injured the majority of the season.

Jersey Shore Power Rankings: Season 5(!) Week 1

Back by popular demand! Jersey Shore Power Rankings, now in blog form! It's all very exciting! We pick up with the Jersey Shore crew directly off their flight home from Italy. They don't even get any time off, which is sweet because nobody knows what happens in the Italy episodes before they start filming the new Seaside stuff. Thankfully Danny of the Shore Store (who, by the way, is the smartest person in this whole operation and has to be making out like a bandit) is able to throw them a super secret surprise party so they can see all their friends and family as soon as they get back into town.

1. The Unit - We heard about The Unit last year, and I figured he would be a pretty cool dude. Between the nickname and the fact that he was friends with Situation, expectations were high to say the least. And he absolutely blew them out of the water. He is some kind of a cross between Mike and Pauly D only douchier and more stereotypical. Very rarely does someone live up to all their potential like he did. If they said that the rest of the season was just going to be him and Ryder, I would not only be okay with it, I would embrace it.

2. Vinny - Apparently the (month? 2 months? does it matter?) of SCREWING OFF AND HOOKING UP WITH GIRLS IN FUCKING ITALY was so traumatizing to Vinny that he couldn't handle another month or two of chilling on the shore without going to back to be with his family. I guess I can understand this. He is the youngest of the guys on the show, he seems to be the most level-headed, despite his bro-mance with Pauly he never really fit in with the rest of the guys in GTL department. So who am I to judge? I could see how you wouldn't want to be away from everything you've ever known, I'm sure being that far away from...where is he from? Staten Island? Yeah, I'm sure that's at least....I don't really know the geography of the Tri-State area that well.....going to Google Maps. Staten Island to Seaside Heights. 60 FUCKING MILES!!! THAT'S IT?!?! STOP BEING SUCH A LITTLE FUCKING PUSSY VINCENZO.

3. Snooki - Apparently they don't have pickles nor pickle juice in Italy, because Snooki took down a whole jars worth of juice as soon as she walked into the door. She then proceeds to spend the rest of the episode trying to keep Jionni from talking to everyone and finding out she was banging everybody else. Her strategy to accomplish varies between crying anytime someone comes around (this doesn't seem like a very sound strategy, as it might give away something being wrong) to banging him (this probably works better to distract him, although she seems to be only delaying the inevitable). It also comes to light that she definitely blew Mike in the much disputed incident with Unit and Ryder. I like how totally insincerely saying you're sorry and then telling them to fuck off and saying that you didn't actually mean the apology is enough in the Jersey Shore world. This dude Unit could wreck your whole planet, and you're being a total cunt to him.

4. Situation - Mikey gets a bunch of shit shaved into his head like he is Ron Artest, excuse me, Metta World Peace. He is a weird dude, and continues to get a bizarre enjoyment out of fucking up other people's lives. This is going beyond causing drama for the sake of drama into psychopath shit. The clothes changing scene with Unit was one of the strangest things I've ever seen. Very abnormal behavior.

5. Ryder - After all this time of the girls on this show acting like it takes some sort of elaborate courtship in order to get them to have sex, it is refreshing to see someone just throw it around and not give a fuck. If you're going to whore around, might as well go all in and just own it. Get it girl. She also looks like someone I know but I can't figure out who. If anybody can help me out with this let me know.

6. Sammi - Somehow, the living arrangement drama is still going on, and it looks like poor Sam is stuck with Sitcho to rain on her and Ronnie's domestic dispute parade AGAIN. Sammi very nearly lived up to her Sweetheart nickname in Italy, she was shockingly and extremely un-interestingly normal, at times even bordering on logical. I think that once she starts breathing that mineral rich Jersey air it will retrigger whatever chemicals are imbalanced in her brain and she will get back to being the psycho bitch that we have all come to hate.

7. JWoww - It's always nice to see JWoww's dad, which reminds us that even the nerdiest looking skinny dudes can spawn frightening Amazonian crazy stripper daughters.

8. Pauly D - DJ Pauly D has pretty much gone from being goofy and kinda funny to full on pandering for the cameras. Not that anyone is dumb enough to think this whole thing is 100% real, but it's kind of disappointing when its this obvious.

9. Deena - How do you get the guy you want? Just go sit by his bed while he is hooking up with a hotter girl. FOOLPROOF

10. Ronnie - Ronnie continues to be completely boring anytime he is not dancing or fighting. He does impart some wisdom when he is telling Vinny to sack up and deal with being homesick.