Jersey Shore Power Rankings: Season 5(!) Week 1

Back by popular demand! Jersey Shore Power Rankings, now in blog form! It's all very exciting! We pick up with the Jersey Shore crew directly off their flight home from Italy. They don't even get any time off, which is sweet because nobody knows what happens in the Italy episodes before they start filming the new Seaside stuff. Thankfully Danny of the Shore Store (who, by the way, is the smartest person in this whole operation and has to be making out like a bandit) is able to throw them a super secret surprise party so they can see all their friends and family as soon as they get back into town.

1. The Unit - We heard about The Unit last year, and I figured he would be a pretty cool dude. Between the nickname and the fact that he was friends with Situation, expectations were high to say the least. And he absolutely blew them out of the water. He is some kind of a cross between Mike and Pauly D only douchier and more stereotypical. Very rarely does someone live up to all their potential like he did. If they said that the rest of the season was just going to be him and Ryder, I would not only be okay with it, I would embrace it.

2. Vinny - Apparently the (month? 2 months? does it matter?) of SCREWING OFF AND HOOKING UP WITH GIRLS IN FUCKING ITALY was so traumatizing to Vinny that he couldn't handle another month or two of chilling on the shore without going to back to be with his family. I guess I can understand this. He is the youngest of the guys on the show, he seems to be the most level-headed, despite his bro-mance with Pauly he never really fit in with the rest of the guys in GTL department. So who am I to judge? I could see how you wouldn't want to be away from everything you've ever known, I'm sure being that far away from...where is he from? Staten Island? Yeah, I'm sure that's at least....I don't really know the geography of the Tri-State area that well.....going to Google Maps. Staten Island to Seaside Heights. 60 FUCKING MILES!!! THAT'S IT?!?! STOP BEING SUCH A LITTLE FUCKING PUSSY VINCENZO.

3. Snooki - Apparently they don't have pickles nor pickle juice in Italy, because Snooki took down a whole jars worth of juice as soon as she walked into the door. She then proceeds to spend the rest of the episode trying to keep Jionni from talking to everyone and finding out she was banging everybody else. Her strategy to accomplish varies between crying anytime someone comes around (this doesn't seem like a very sound strategy, as it might give away something being wrong) to banging him (this probably works better to distract him, although she seems to be only delaying the inevitable). It also comes to light that she definitely blew Mike in the much disputed incident with Unit and Ryder. I like how totally insincerely saying you're sorry and then telling them to fuck off and saying that you didn't actually mean the apology is enough in the Jersey Shore world. This dude Unit could wreck your whole planet, and you're being a total cunt to him.

4. Situation - Mikey gets a bunch of shit shaved into his head like he is Ron Artest, excuse me, Metta World Peace. He is a weird dude, and continues to get a bizarre enjoyment out of fucking up other people's lives. This is going beyond causing drama for the sake of drama into psychopath shit. The clothes changing scene with Unit was one of the strangest things I've ever seen. Very abnormal behavior.

5. Ryder - After all this time of the girls on this show acting like it takes some sort of elaborate courtship in order to get them to have sex, it is refreshing to see someone just throw it around and not give a fuck. If you're going to whore around, might as well go all in and just own it. Get it girl. She also looks like someone I know but I can't figure out who. If anybody can help me out with this let me know.

6. Sammi - Somehow, the living arrangement drama is still going on, and it looks like poor Sam is stuck with Sitcho to rain on her and Ronnie's domestic dispute parade AGAIN. Sammi very nearly lived up to her Sweetheart nickname in Italy, she was shockingly and extremely un-interestingly normal, at times even bordering on logical. I think that once she starts breathing that mineral rich Jersey air it will retrigger whatever chemicals are imbalanced in her brain and she will get back to being the psycho bitch that we have all come to hate.

7. JWoww - It's always nice to see JWoww's dad, which reminds us that even the nerdiest looking skinny dudes can spawn frightening Amazonian crazy stripper daughters.

8. Pauly D - DJ Pauly D has pretty much gone from being goofy and kinda funny to full on pandering for the cameras. Not that anyone is dumb enough to think this whole thing is 100% real, but it's kind of disappointing when its this obvious.

9. Deena - How do you get the guy you want? Just go sit by his bed while he is hooking up with a hotter girl. FOOLPROOF

10. Ronnie - Ronnie continues to be completely boring anytime he is not dancing or fighting. He does impart some wisdom when he is telling Vinny to sack up and deal with being homesick.